owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

My head feels like someone ran over it and James is not happy. Not happy due to the fact that he came in early so we could film the intro to the latest Eleventh (which should be up later today - If James pulls his finger out) but I went out last night for a quiet drink and ended up drinking my way through the entire cocktail list in a brazilian bar, then ended back at someones house drining my way through a bottle of Vodka arriving home at around 4am. So when my alarm went off this morning it could a large portion of “shut your face” and was turned off meaning that I dragged my sorry ass into the office a lttle over 5 hours late. Well done me.

But battling through my vomituos feelings we have done it and James is now (slowly) beavering away to bring you another super taste of Eleventh Commandment goodness. I think we should all rise and give him the clap clap his sterling work.

I would like to tell any kids reading this that drinking is not big, or clever.

But it will make you cool. Carry on.

I’m now totty apparently. But don’t take my word for it…

*****Click here and scroll down*****

I have no idea how they got hold of it or why they have thought that I’m totty but I’m well up for it. this could do my street cred some good. Well in honesty it could actually give me some street cred. James is very jealous… I emailed it to him and he proclaimed that they should have talked about the production qualities and not just how the host looks!

I just googled James Bedfords name and this is what comes up. Great Beard!

So thank you scarlet magazine… I may just subscribe to you now, knowing that you have such good taste. In production values of course.

I’ll leave this post with a youtube rant. In fact its one of the best rants I’ve ever heard in a film. Quentin Tarrantino tells us the true meaning of TOP GUN.

Laters.

It seems, reading all the latest material on homes and mortgages, credit crunches (put money on it that that the credit crunch is a type of cereal before the end of the year!) that there are gonna be a load of bargains on the market in both the buying and the rental sector!

So all I need now is about 300 grand and I’ll be sorted… fancy lending it to me?

On show related stuff we are booked in to do the shoot with Alex Ward after I had to cancel last week through no fault of my won (it was my fault). The guy is fantastic and even stone hearted me who thinks he can work out most magic tricks was impressed I got the clap off a little boy clapped like a little boy.

We are also hopefully gonna be doing a show with a burlesque dancer her name is Chrys Columbine …. James is very keen on this shoot. I’m not sure why but he’s insisting on close up lens and super slow mo cameras.

More info soon as I’ve go it on these…. and if you fancy giving me some cash I except all kinds of folding and major credit cards. Ta very much like.

Its not many times that I, as a narcissistic TV presenter who loves only himself and the smell of a good quality mahogany, can say that I have done some good.

But, yes, through the medium of the Eleventh commandment, it has only taken 2008 years but religion has finally done some good - way to go big G!

I will now prove this by pasting a message I got from a guy who works with us called Neil Dixon (of dock Green) a couple of days ago…..

I just had an email from Chris Leydon of The Podzone.

As a result of seeing the 11thC Mr Testicles episode, he is having a scan later this month to test for suspected testicular cancer. He asked that I give you his heartfelt thanks for producing the episode and making him - and hopefully others - more aware.

neil…

Now when we contacted Mr Testicles to do the show we did for obvious good reasons thinking we would raise a bit of awareness (plus I have to admit I thoght it’d be slightly amusing interviewing a massive pair of balls on the South Bank) but I never realized that we would actually directly help someone. Way to go me (oh and James) So I thought I’d use this moment to try and nudge you into donating some money to the charity so more blokes and thier onion bags don’t have something go wrong with them.

You can get to the website here…… ADOPT A BOLLOCK

Part of my job on the Eleventh commandment is too bake lovely cakes, I also have to trawl the internet looking for things that fascinate, intrigue or indeed disgust me, so we can continue our year long mission seeking out new and un-interviewed internet life forms. To boldly go where no internet TV show has gone before. Or something like that.

And my trawling has come across something of such beauty that I wanted to cry. Although the fact that I was creased up with both laughter and funny feeling that I can’t quite put my finger on I had to make do with guffawing my tea all over my computer screen.

Fans of Star Trek - Fans of Brokeback Mountain - Fans of a bit of man love - check out Broke Trek

Its rather good is it not - so if you know of anything like this that we could either include on the show, interview the people behind it or that will just make me laugh then get on the internet horn (I know after watching that you now have one) oj.borg@btpodshow.com

And just for good measure, I’ll leave you with a bit more Star Trek Campness in the form of George Takai

Because he works on my show you know, as we made it into the top 100 on the iTunes podcast lists! Break out the bubbly, wax off your pubes as there is a revolution in town etc.

Now for some honesty…

1 - We were only in the top 100 for a day, but that isn’t gonna stop me bragging about it.

2 - I didn’t notice it - It was Dr Cockney who saw it as he is OBSESSED with the chart and his position in it and looks at it almost as many times a day as he examines his shushma.

3 - I like the Mika album

So in the style of an oscar acceptance speech (although a TV quick award would be enough for me) I would like to thank James for all his hard work and fashion advice, God for his fantastic cameos although we may have to let him go as his diva demands are getting out of control (who the hell does s/he think s/he is?) and we have some other up and coming deities who would love the exposure and also my hairdresser for giving me such a ridiculous haircut that even german people have laughed at me.

So tell your friends to down load the latest 11th - I’ve tasted the milk, honey and drugs of the promised land and I want it back again. iTunes will be mine!

Now Paul Daniel’s is a bit of legend in this country, not just cause he created one of the best shows ever on TV in Wizbit, not just cause as a man he looks like Frodo’s slightly disabled uncle and still rodded over 500 women (what a swordsman) but because he made magic fun. and he did. One of his favorite stories is that his Paul Daniel’s magic set sold so much that at the time it meant that every kid in the country would have had the equivalent. Now that is magic.

But the future always happens and the future is now cause I’m hoping to get this guy on the Eleventh Commandment - Alex Ward. Now I’m a skeptical as you come, being the jaded result of a generation that thinks they can do/know everything and I always reckon I can work out how magic tricks are done. Apart form the one where David Copperfield flies…. thats real MAGIK. But after interviewing alex on Nuts last week, he did a trick on me that I just cant explain. He managed in about 20 seconds to work out the name that I was thinking of. Wether this was by hypnotizing me (as he did this for about a minute before the show) or used same reading techniques that Derren Brown uses or that it was just real Magic, I couldn’t tell you. All I can say is that it was amazing and if we can get him onto the Eleventh then it’ll make for a fantastic show.

In fact I’m gonna email him now to try and set it up. Or maybe I should just sit here and think about it real hard and see if he can pick it up in the ether…….. yeah I’ll just email him.

So if you did read the last blog entry from my erstwhile director and slum landlord James, then you will know that he is mocking me for getting battered by Cathy Brown in the latest episode of the 11th. Well I agree to that fact, she did batter me in the ring (no guffaws please, I’m half English) but then I didn’t see Jimmy getting in there to help me. And I can also point out that he went boxing once. Yep, ONCE. And he never went back cause the bad men really did batter him in the ring.

Anyway, we have a had a week off from the 11th’s hectic schedule due to james deciding that he needed a holiday but we are back and it looks like we are gonna be doing a rather amazing one…… let me just say the words, Down hill, go-kart, OJ, Death and BT.

Put them all together and you have all the markings of a top class show….. I won’t tell you what it is just yet but I will give you a hint through Maitland (his real name I can confirm) who works in the London Office who put me onto this contact, and gave me this fantastic quote when I asked how dangerous it was for me.

Like the director of Jackass says: I don’t want to kill you. Just hurt you very badly.

How very nice. But i’ve always said, to the chagrin of Girlfriends, mothers and ambulance personages, that if it makes people laugh then my body is inconsequential. Unless it involves doing the drag episode again. If you haven’t just eaten you can check that out here.

Well my intrepid (and ill I thought) director and landlord is off this week on some mountain somewhere having a jolly old time so I find my self with nowt to do but look for more shoots for next week. I always feel slightly sad when the 11th isn’t in full throttle. Or maybe I just miss james. Probably the former I guess.

One of the next shows we’ve got coming up is gonna feature Cathy “The Bitch” Brown and is all about boxing, and female boxers at that. Cathy was one of the first female pro’s this country had and I think was the first title holder we have produced from the less hairy arsed (apart from Muhammed Ali’s daughter - Laila she’s a complete beast, and may well actually be his son, or brother.) part of the population. Well after sparring with her I decided that I would do a bit more my self today down at my gym. I now feel that even lifting my fingers up to type is too much effort. I got Battered! What was possibly worse though was that on leaving the changing rooms, and I’m a mess at this point….. red eyes from my contacts popping out, showered but still looking sweaty and generally looking like there is something wrong with me, I tried to squeeze past a fellow gym bod. Problem as that I had my big bagon my shoulder, the gap wasn’t too big nd he was naked. Had I been more in control of my faculties then I would have waited, but in my bashed about state I ended up trying to squezze by, my left hand got trapped between my bag (not ball bag by the way) and HIS ASS! arggggggghhhhhhhhh. Worse was that he’d either just got out the shower or he was sweaty, and hairy!

BLEACH BLEACH BLEACH.

Remind me of the scene in Ace Venture when he finds out that Eindhorn is Finkle, and Finkle is a [Insert what here]

To sum up, there is no shoot this week, I got beat up at boxing, James is snowboarding (he may even be trying snow kiting so we probably won’t be seeing him again as he gets dragged over a precipice - if that happens now I’m gonna feel so bad!) and I need to amputate my left mitt. I think it smells but I might just be having a touch of the Lady MacBeths. ‘d rather be feeling blood on it.

Earthquake! Now I’m sure the blog-o-sphere is a buzz with the shaking that England did the other night….. mainly because that sort of stuff just does’t happen in this country. And even when it does happen they are so pathetic its unreal. Earthquake hits San Francsico skyscrapers fall down. Earthquake hits Tokyo massive casualties. Earthquake hits England JJB can’t open till one (I’d like to thank Mr A. Greenbank for that lttle gag there)

I was awake at the time it hit us and I felt everything wobbling. first I thought it was the guy who lives downstars kicking the front door in, then I thought it was a ghost (seriously) then I realised whet it was (while still having the creeping dread that it may be some sort of poultergoose style action) It wasn’t terribly big by all accounts (story of my life) measuring only 5.2 on the Rickman Scale. If you’ve seen Die Hard you’ll know that he can get a lot tougher than that (until you throw him off building) Do i guess I better leave this blog and go and rebuild the damage that was done to James’s flat by the “Earthquake” or it cold have just been a party.